Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
tell me about the fingering
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
