i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
i out mim tonsoeep
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