i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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