Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
