Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
