I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
