Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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