i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
