I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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