youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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