dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
