My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize