The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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