her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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