Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
