i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
