she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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