Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
