nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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