how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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