Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
