my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
