things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
