Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
