benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
