I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
