what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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