Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
