I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
