Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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