My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
