I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize