My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
