this beer tastes like vomit already
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
