I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
