I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
