She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
