Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
