Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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