where am i from again
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
When did we convert life to cartoon?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
40s are totally the cure
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
