I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I feel like abortions should bother me more
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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