Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
