So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
