dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
