thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
