I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
