just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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