Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
