1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
