So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
