Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
