mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My bed is full of blood and feathers
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
