I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
