i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My cat gives me a boner
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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