Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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