dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
