Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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