Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize