I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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